You probably don’t need me to tell you how true this headline is, but it is. Dads matter and are VERY important — to sons and daughters alike.
This ran through my mind as I scanned the aisle of Father’s Day cards. I couldn’t find a single one that fit how I feel about my own father. I ended up with one with a generic message and it pained me so much to purchase it. But, I’m incapable of buying one with a lovey-dovey message because those cards simply aren’t how I feel. I don’t have a “#1 dad.”
You see, even though my parents were together while I grew-up, my dad missed so much of my life — my birth, endless dance recitals, plays, prom, and the list could go on. But not always because of circumstances beyond his control. He chose not to be there at times.
I know my dad loves me and would do anything for me. He just had a different way of showing love while I grew-up — through money and gifts, not the way I needed, which was simply for him to be there. To be the one to ask how my day was or show me how to change my oil.
He was a very hard worker — a firefighter who worked long shifts, plus he held other jobs, too. I know he did this for the sake of our family; so we could go on vacations and have nice things. But to little me, I felt it just was a way for him to keep away from a family perhaps he never wanted. These things are hard to comprehend as a child. {Cue Phil Vassar’s Don’t Miss Your Life.}
I’ve often had the thought that I rather would’ve been on welfare if it meant he would have been there for me — if he was the one to help me with my homework, to teach me to drive, to show me how to golf or even hunt — things he liked but never asked me to do with him.
I remember overhearing him say to my mom he didn’t want to go to a daddy-daughter dance because he was tired from work. It shattered my heart into a million pieces and I still recall that pain to this day.
Now, I watch all of my friends playfully interact with their dads and I feel so happy for them, but there definitely is a tinge of jealousy to think of the relationship I missed out on and know I will likely never have.
At times I am frustrated thinking about how much burden was placed on my mom’s shoulders to do everything, but the bond her and I have is strong because of it — she filled both roles, thankfully.
I often tell my husband to never let work overtake him and trump family. It would tear me up to explain to my children that daddy is going to miss out on some big event in their little world because he’s working or doing something he wants to do selfishly. I know I don’t have to worry about that EVER happening because he sees how important it is to be there…Even if you fall asleep during the play or can’t stand to watch a soccer game drag on. Those are sacrifices you choose when becoming a parent, and I chose him because I saw something in him that I missed with my own father.
I am proud of my generation of dads. Sure there are plenty of deadbeats out there, but many of the dads I know are absolutely wonderful — they actually do things with their kids, stay home and let mom get out, and post adorable photos of their babies proudly all over cyberspace.
I am not bitter at my dad at this point. I do love him and understand he didn’t have the parental guidance he deserved as a kid. I forgive him because nobody is perfect, and I think I am a stronger and more loving parent because of him.
Still, I want better for my children and future generations.
Dads: Please know you’re important. Even if your kids act like they don’t care if you’re there or not, they DO. Give them great memories to look back on — including you.
Was your dad there for you? If not, how did you cope?
Lauren, my dad died when I was 8 months old. My mom was WONDERFUL, though, and she and I couldn’t have been closer.
But your words sadly rang true with my son’s father. Work seemed to always come first, and his hobby second. He once told my son when he was probably 10 or 12 years old to: “do all the things you want to do before you have a wife and child. After that, you won’t get to do them.” ?????? Like your dad’s comment about not wanting to go to the dance with you, that one has stayed with me all these years.
Hooray for your husband – I hope he had a wonderful Father’s Day!
I am so happy you and your mom are close. I can’t even begin to imagine what I would’ve turned out like without my mom and her strength backing me up at all times.
So sorry Marshall had to hear those words. Kids are SO impressionable and it’s so important to censor ourselves while talking about them. I hate when I hear that mentality; I think marriage and children only ENHANCE your life, not hinder it. Shame on him for saying that.
And yes, very thankful to have a wonderful hubby who is a great dad! Thanks for the comment, Dianna 🙂
By the way, your photo is GORGEOUS!
Thank you!
Dads are so important! My dad did attend my things, but both of my parents were ‘Worker Bees’. My mom often stayed late at work while my dad picked me up from the baby sitter’s house. He was a mechanic and often brought work home so I could be picked up on time. I spent a lot of time hanging out in the garage with my dad. I don’t remember one way or another, but knowing how kids are, I’m sure I was not so helpful while in the garage.
I understand parents have to work to make money to feed their children for sure. Glad your dad at least let you be a part of his world – even if it was dreadful for you (and probably not ideal for him either). Still, I’m sure you know a lot about cars (or whatever he worked on), which is pretty cool!
Although I grew up with a dad being there for me, it was always a confusing situation. I was adopted by my grandparents, so they raised me. I spent my childhood trying to make my birth father want to spend time with me. I was the little girl sitting out on the steps on Sunday waiting for him to show up, but it rarely happened. I am so fortunate to have a Dad who stepped up and was there for me. Through time, I have learned to let go of my high hopes for my birth father. It is hard now that I have the girls, he wants to have a come and go relationship and I can’t let the girl’s feelings get hurt like mine.
I am so fortunate that Ricky is an amazing dad to our kids. He works his tooshie off, but he also spends every possible minute with the girls. Looks like we found some great hubbies! I agree with our generation of fathers, I have seen so many great ones out there!
I’m so glad your grandparents stepped up to help fill the missing void. What many dads don’t get is that kids need consistency – not broken promises. Sad to hear he missed out — you are a wonderful person and it shines through in everything you do (heck, we haven’t even met in person and I think you’re amazing)!
Makes you that much more thankful for a great hubby, huh? Glad Ricky loves his gals so much 🙂
I so agree with you about Dads keeping at it – sometimes my kids go through phases where they seem just not that into Dad b/c they haven’t seen him a lot, but they always come back around. And sometimes even closer than they were!
That’s great! I agree — consistency is key. Moms are often labeled as the favorite, but it shouldn’t be that way. Dads need to wedge their way in at all times 😉 It’s hard to “get” while you’re a kid, but having those memories including him down the road will be priceless.
As a dad of 2 I am writing to you to let you know I have bookmarked this post on my browser and I plan to read it daily until it sinks in. I listened and felt your post as well as the song that you cried to. Just so you know you have made me cry twice tonight, once while I read the post and once during the song; actually make that three as I am crying now. You may have just saved my life before it got away from me.
Keep up the good work!
Wow, thank you so much for the amazing feedback. It’s incredibly difficult to bare your soul on a blog, and you just justified why I got the nerve to hit publish. Please keep reading it until it sinks in — no matter if your kids act like they don’t care, believe me, they will care in the future. Best of luck figuring things out! (P.S. Keep listening to that song too…It’s wonderful and I think rings true for many dads out there.)
So proud of you for sharing this Lauren, I know it can be tough to put it all out there. I’m sorry your dad was never there. I can’t imagine how difficult that had to be and my heart sank for you during the Daddy Daughter dance part.
Despite your dad, you’ve grown up to be an amazing person and he is lucky to have you. I think about my oldest, whose dad is never around and I hope that everyone else is enough. That her stepdad and her grandpa and her uncles who have all stepped up to be fatherly figures for her are enough to help her feel loved and not devastated by her dad’s lack of involvement.
What a nice comment…Thanks so much, Jess!
So happy your oldest has a strong group of men around here. I definitely think that’s crucial. I was lucky to have an older bro who kind of took on that role for me!
Dads just don’t know the opportunity they miss to show their children what a dad should be when they aren’t there. Girls grow up not knowing how a guy should treat them and boys grow up not knowing how to be the kind of man that is great dad. They lack a role model to show them.
Absolutely! I feel like dads think it’s OK to be absent because moms tend to be so strong, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Little ones need to see members of both sexes step up and be there – whether it’s grandpas/mas, bros/sis or aunts/uncles!
That song makes me tear up!
My father wasn’t around much, either.
I know…Such a great song with a good moral. Sorry to hear your dad wasn’t around much either. Oh well – his loss!
This entire post brought tears to my eyes…. I can only imagine how hard it was to share this with everyone especially with it still weighing heavily on you.
I don’t know how many times I have stressed to my husband how important it is to be there for the kids. He owns his own business and is so busy with it that he works when he’s at home. It’s annoying and I’m afraid that he is going to miss out on something important.
Definitely have him listen to the song I mentioned – maybe it will help him realize if he’s not paying attention, he will miss out on some amazing moments!
I can so relate to this, not from my own experience, but watching my oldest son go through it with his father. They have no relationship by his father’s choice. There is no bond, no memories, no experiences, nothing. Watching that over the years has hurt me, and now I can see how much it hurts my son. I am so glad that my husband is the complete opposite with our kids.
Aww, poor little guy. I am so happy your husband has stepped up and is such a good dad…It will make such a difference with your oldest having a great father-figure in his life 🙂
Lauren,
Thanks for the “DAD” love.
The times were different when I was growing up and My Dad was great to us…
but I’m constantly trying to learn from him and be BETTER.
My childhood with my Dad was great, but adulthood has been much more challenging. I also no longer feel like the #1 Dad, lovey-dovey cards are appropriate, and that pains me every year, too (for about 5 years now). Thanks for re-sharing this post, Father’s Day is so much tougher for me now.
Since my parents divorced later in life, I can so relate, Emalee. It’s my opinion that divorce stings no matter how old you are when it happens. Sometimes being an adult and understanding more about the world really sucks. Glad you seem to have such a wonderful husband – I hope he helps heals your wounds; I know my husband certainly has helped me. Hugs.
My dad choosing to not be there from age 5 and on left a terrible wound that I am still recovering from in my 40’s. He may have felt we were better off without him and maybe we were since he struggled with alcoholism and PTSD and also came from a broken home. But the reality is he chose to ignore his 2 daughters for most of their choldhood and adulthood and I thought it was my fault for being me. It was shocking to find out when he died 6 years ago that he was a father figure for numerous people and they felt like he was the father they never had. I still baffles me .
I hate the Father’s day card choosing also.
I had no idea your childhood was like that. Hugs to you Lauren.
I should clarify that by “not being there” I mean we didn’t get phone calls or cards. (There is a possibility he didn’t know where we were just like we didnt know where he was. My mom moved us to a new house every year). I kept the one birthday card I got from him and every Christmas or birthday I would hope to hear from him. I spent many nights as a child crying myself to sleep.
Oh gosh, this breaks my heart into pieces, Amber. No child deserves that treatment – period. I just don’t understand how some men just don’t want anything to do with their child. I can’t imagine not being with my own children for any length of time — I feel like they are such a part of my soul. Sorry you are still dealing with the after effects. His loss! Hugs.