Today I am sharing a difficult part of my life. This is the part of blogging I love best. Writing is therapeutic for me, and I know far too many people who relate to the situation written below. Hugs to you all.
My husband and I’s wedding rings on our big day in 2008
It was around this time in 2009 when I heard news that would change my life.
I was in my hometown without the hubby and we had just wrapped up a family dinner. My mom seemed anxious and kept saying things like “Do you want to go get ice cream? What about a coffee?” I explained I really wanted to get my hour drive back home over with.
Then she shot me a stare, and through gritted teeth said “Lauren, I really need to speak with you.”
My insides crumbled. Something was really wrong. My heart raced as I drove a mile up the road to a local coffee place and put the car in park.
“What’s going on?” I asked. I was nervous at this point. My mind raced to the skin cancer my mom had the year before. Had it come back to other parts of her body?
“It’s your dad,” she began. My thoughts immediately turned to his diabetes, however, I was in the wrong direction completely. “He hasn’t been behaving himself.”
“What do you mean?” I asked wearily, knowing full well what that meant.
In the calmest manner, she revealed to me how they had been struggling behind closed doors for the past three years with another woman – a woman from his past he had re-connected with online. There were hidden cell phones. Mysterious calls late into the night. And lies upon lies from my dad.
The fall prior, my parents had celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. As a newlywed, I was proud to say my parents were still together. My mom cried especially hard when we gave her the anniversary present we all chipped in for – a weekend at a Bed & Breakfast. Now I understood why. They were trying to work things out.
Upon hearing the news, I didn’t really know how to react, so out came the tears. I just kept asking over and over, “Why didn’t you tell me?” I didn’t understand at the time that she had been protecting us kids until they figured out if they were going to work it out {now, as a parent, I completely understand}.
Initially, I was furious at my dad. I was so incredibly embarrassed to tell my friends. I had a hard time focusing at work, and shed a lot of tears before falling asleep. But mostly, I was just crushed because of the burden my mom had been carrying — completely alone — for so long.
Since that conversation, much has happened. They tried marriage counseling, and my mom gave him far more chances than he ever deserved. When he continued to lie and break her spirit time and again, she knew it was time to let go. My brothers and I supported her decision to separate, and eventually divorce, 100 percent.
We still celebrate holidays as a family, but it’s not the same, and I’m already dreading the day when my girls ask me why grandma and grandpa live in different houses. I am very thankful though, that both my mom and dad have made their peace and seem to be happy living separate lives. Maybe it was just not meant to be, huh?
When you hear your parents are separating, even when you’re old enough to understand the reasons behind it, it shakes you to the core. When I first heard the news, I had nightmares almost every night of my husband leaving me for another woman. I know this is far from reality, but my subconscious must have worried that it could happen.
Dad: I will always be angry with you for hurting mom and never apologizing, but I have forgiven you. Just know I will never forget.
Has divorce affected your life? How did it change you?
Lauren, you wrote a wonderful post on a difficult subject. I’m glad that both your parents are still in your life, and when the time comes, you’ll know the right way to explain the situation to your daughters.
I agree! As always, thanks for your encouraging words, Dianna!
This was as if I were writing the post… I went through the same thing only I was 11. I don’t think it matters the age or how many years have passed, it’s hard to forget why your parents split. Hugs to you for being so honest, and forgiving!
My heart goes out to you. No matter the age, it’s tough, but I am thankful it didn’t happen sooner in my life. Hugs!
<3
You know I love you too.
It doesn’t matter how old you are when your parents divorce, it is still difficult and awkward. You often feel allegiance toward one and end up feeling guilty about that. My parents divorced when I was 13. My son is 3 1/2 and has never asked why his grandparents don’t live together. Your girls are young enough that they may never ask you why – it will become their normal, as it has become your new normal.
Keep writing, that will help!
That is a great point. I am glad in a way that they will never know any different! Thanks for your comment, Emily.
Thanks for sharing. My parents divorce was incredibly painful to go through. Everyone gets hurt, but eventially, you realize it was for the best.
It definately taught me to be serious about the committments of marriage and having children.
Thanks so much for commenting, Rich! That means a lot. So sorry you had to experience that while young. I agree that it does change the way you view marriage and kids. I hope our generation is better to our kids because of our own experiences.
Lauren, this is a wonderful post. I will never forget the day I asked my mom (who has been divorced from my dad since I was 4), exactly WHY they got divorced. I was probably 20 or 21. I had heard he cheated, they fought, etc., but that was it. She looked at me, paused, sighed, and said ‘because I was tired of covering up the bruises.’ I almost collapsed. I’ve forgiven my dad to an extent, and he has changed in three decades as much as one can. They were SUCH young parents, teenagers in fact, and while I know that is no excuse, time has healed the physical and emotional wounds my mother endured. But it has certainly shaped the way I view marriage to say the least, and I am so thankful she knew well enough to leave when she did.
Oh hunny. That is SO painful 🙁 I’m glad in a way you didn’t know until you were older, but that doesn’t make the pain of hearing that any less. I admire you for forgiving him…That would be very hard, but I’m glad to hear he has changed his ways. Hugs, love. xox
TFS, you are sadly not alone. My parents divorced when I was 14. It was really tough for everyone. Big hugs, and my wishes to you and your family for some healthy healing!
Thanks so much for the comment, Amber. As hard as it has been, I am thankful it happened later in life. Hugs to you as well…It wouldn’t be easy to experience all this at a more impressionable age.
Thanks for sharing such a personal and difficult story. My husband has recently went through the same thing (for the second time) with his parents. I can only imagine how tough it is. However, I’m happy to read that both your parents seem to found happiness separately over time.
Hugs to you and your husband, Amber! It really does affect the entire family. But you’re right – it’s all for the best at this point.
Oh, Lauren… I am so sorry.
I’ll admit that I thought that your parents were together. I don’t know why.. just made that assumption. I can’t imagine how difficult it was for you or your family to go through that. I’m glad that you’ve made amends of sorts are still together as a family.
My parents are divorced and have been for more years than I can remember. To this day they still do not get along.
So sad your parents don’t get along…That would make it MUCH harder. I am thankful they still want to celebrate events/holidays as a family – that makes things much easier. Just curious if that changes if either one starts dating anyone seriously. Could get interesting.
I am so very sorry. I had a similar situation with my parents when I was in my early 20’s. It really does rattle your world. I never saw it coming and I questioned everything I thought I knew about love and relationships. Time will heal your wounds. I am so very sorry.
Thanks for sharing this again Lauren, even though I see you wrote it a couple years ago. When I was pregnant with Evie in 2011 my Dad came home from work one day and told my Mom he had moved out. Blindsided her and the rest of our family. There were no signs of marital stress, no counseling, no discussion, he was just gone. He moved in with his high school girlfriend (who also divorced her husband) after 31 years of marriage to my Mother. They finalized their divorce less than a month before I had my daughter. What was the happiest time in my life also became the hardest and the time I felt the most hurt and ache. I will never be at to forget the night he told me he was willing to sacrifice relationships with his children and unborn granddaughter because he had ‘made his choice.’ My parents are both remarried now, but as the adult children of divorced parents, we are still trying to find our way to a new normal. Thanks for sharing, it’s always good to know another person who feels some of the same pain you do.
Awww, Emalee I had no idea you had been through this too. It really rocks your world doesn’t it? I can completely relate to that pain and confusion and figuring out things like Christmas, etc. It doesn’t matter what age you are when it happens, it still affects you in so many ways. I still have occasional nightmares about my husband leaving me, which I don’t ever foresee happening, but my subconscious seems to always be on high alert that it *could* happen. It’s heartbreaking to see/hear about the pain others have experienced from divorce, and I only hope neither of us have to put our kids through it! xox